The Gift is in the Growth: When the Thing Actually Happens
What do you do when the dream the world would have you dream falls in your lap? Do you question whether you deserve the dream or do you gobble it up like Halloween candy? I have some knowledge of this dilemma after the last two months. Let me tell you about it.
One day in mid-June I was perusing the shelves of my local bookshop, a favorite past-time of mine. I was probably looking for the new Emily Henry novel or an epic fantasy series someone had recommended or an easy-reader book about Minecraft for my son. That’s not the important part, so take your pick. Anyway, my phone rang and introvert that I am I gave it a look, fully intending on letting it go to voicemail. But it was my landlord. He didn’t call that often so reluctantly I answered, figuring he had something of consequence to say. Did he ever.
He asked me if I had any interest in buying my house. I immediately found the nearest chair and sat down. What was he saying? Buy my house? I had intended to rent for a few years before looking for a house to buy. I never considered that this house would have been an option. And now it was. He was offering it to me so he could buy another property. In fact, he needed to sell it soon in order to make that happen. How soon? A couple of months, he said.
I WAS NOT PREPARED
My mouth and my heart said HELL YES I will buy this house, because I love it. Because I’m happy here. Because I’ll never have to leave. Two days later when I asked my brain, it said what the holy fuck are you doing Jenny? That’s when things got interesting. You see, I’ve never had my own money. Once I left home I worked hard to pay for my life, my rent, all the things you need as a young person in your twenties out on your own, but I never had any left over and that was fine, I didn’t really need much. Then I got married and my husband joined the military and he made our money. I always worked so I could contribute and build my own career, but none of my work ever amounted to much in the bank. I could pay for groceries with it, but I never had anything to save and I didn’t worry about it. My husband was saving for us. Then I got divorced. I had about $5000 in my bank account and that was it. I asked myself about what I wanted for my future and I realized that the only thing that really mattered was that I could provide a comfortable home for my son and I.
Then a miracle happened. When we sold the house my husband and I had bought three years earlier I got half of the profit. More money than I’d ever had in my life, dumped right into my checking account. It was my nest egg. My future. I put it all in savings and planned to invest it until I was ready to use it to buy my own house. That sounded like a nice plan. I looked for a rental house and by a series of surreal events landed in a beautiful single family home on the edge of the woods across the street from a massive park. I was in love with this house and I moved in well aware of how lucky I was to have it for however long I did. I stated my gratitude for my house every single day in some form or another, without fail.
Is this the Dream I Dreamed?
A year later I was offered the opportunity to buy it on a silver platter. Can you imagine? I was thrilled. I was terrified. I thought I was indifferent to money until I was faced with the possibility of getting kicked out of my home unless I could come up with enough of it. That’s when I realized the deep fear I carried subconsciously about not being enough. Not necessarily that I wouldn’t have enough materially, but that I would not be capable enough, successful enough, smart enough, strong enough to make my way on my own. If I failed to buy this house, if I wasn’t approved, if it was too expensive for me to afford alone, it would be a reflection of my capabilities as a sovereign woman. And I wasn’t sure if I was going to succeed or not. I have never been so scared.
I had help. I had an angel realtor friend guiding me through the process of private sale and loan approval, but there was a lot of highs and lows along the way. I didn’t have enough for a 20% down loan. I didn’t know I could get one for less, but that was a nice surprise. I almost fell for a loan shark who whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Finally, I was pre-approved for a loan I could actually afford, BUT it would take practically my entire savings. Was that wise? Was I insane for pursuing it when this house was clearly more expensive than anything I would have been looking for on my own terms? I asked my tarot cards. I asked my pendulum. I asked my inner self and my spirit guides and anyone who would listen. I prayed for guidance from the universe. All signs pointed to YES. Actually, they pointed to HELL YES. Exactly what I had felt in my heart the moment I heard the words “buy that house” come out of the owner’s mouth.
Sometimes the Dream is Scary
When I meditated on what to do, I was filled with the overwhelming truth of the fact that I was supposed to end up with this house. There was a reason I was chosen to rent it, there was a reason I was being given this opportunity, and my intuition told me that it was an important part of my journey that I stay here in a home I loved that I also had full ownership over. It was perhaps the most important step in claiming my own sovereignty in this life. As scary as it was, as many nights as I laid awake trembling with anxiety, they would be worth it when the house was mine. Right? So what did I do? I got to work.
I woke up in the morning and did EFT tapping to release my fear of financial insecurity and welcome more abundance into my life. I meditated and visualized the buying process. Every outcome I wanted and every feeling associated with it. I journaled. I delved into every insecurity and subconscious belief I had about money. I wrote every fear I had down and then I burned the paper. I scripted how I wanted everything to go. I wrote a love letter to money. I took nature walks and sat in my backyard and told my house how much I loved it. I dedicated time to meticulously organizing everything I needed to do for the sale. The approx. 8,000 pieces of paperwork I needed to deliver. The transfer of money at just the right time. The contracts I needed explained to me like I was a five year old. Everything.
It was overwhelming. Every other day I had a breakdown about the mounting pressure, especially in the last three weeks when the seller requested a closing date that was much sooner than anyone had expected. I tried to have faith. I tried to believe in myself. I tried to trust the universe. I recorded affirmations about how everything was always working out for me. And the days went by. Each one getting closer to the reality that I had yet to really face. After we closed I was going to own my home. I would be a home owner. A single woman in charge of an entire house. Liable for anything that goes wrong with it. A mortgage to pay every month without fail that was higher than I had been paying in rent. All on me. Was it worth it?
That’s a HELL YES from Me
There was only one answer to that. A resounding HELL YES. There is a line in the Sondheim musical Into the Woods, (oh my, she’s referencing musical theatre again, what a surprise) that says “Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor,” and I think that’s true. How is the universe supposed to continue to deliver miracles into our lives if we always turn away from them when they appear? This house falling into my lap was part of a series of miracles that I embraced as part of the new life I was leaping into. You see, as soon as I decided to view my divorce as an opportunity to change my life for the better, things started working out exactly as I asked for them to. When I scripted or visualized what I thought would make me the happiest, it would show up in my life almost exactly as I had imagined.
Am I just a master manifester? Maybe. But I also gave myself over fully to the possibilities ahead of me, regardless of how hard or how scary they were, and just believed that they would work out. That’s it’s own kind of magic, because through that process I started to change myself. I released insecurities and fears, I learned more about what shaped limiting beliefs from my youth, and I developed new beliefs in myself and my abilities. I expanded my spirituality and my relationship to what guides me from beyond this world. If I had questioned what I deserved from the beginning, if I had talked myself out of what I might dream if I could dream of anything, I’m not sure any of these opportunities would have ended up before me at all.
The Dream is a Teacher
Long story short - turn to gratitude more when you’re feeling unsure about the future. Be grateful for the good things in your life and one day while shopping for romance novels in a quaint local bookshop someone may call you and offer you more of them. Gobble up those opportunities to expand, to grow, to step into a better version of yourself and cultivate your own happiness. It’s not always easy accepting miracles, but when they show up we need to grab onto them with both of our hands and will ourselves to believe that we deserve them.
In the end, my fear turned into my biggest instrument for growth. Had I not had this chance to explore and face it, I may not have ever dealt with the source of that fear. And in doing so, I believe I’ve freed part of myself and opened myself up to more miracles. The true gift wasn’t the house, it was in the growth. Okay, well, the house is pretty great too.
I never necessarily dreamed of buying a house. I didn’t dream of doing it alone. What I did dream of, was finding a home I didn’t want to leave. I’ve never had that before. Never in my life have I lived in a house I never wanted to leave. Until now.
By the way, I bought the house. We closed last week.
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